


An Ode To Robert Sugden

by Tazza1993



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 09:51:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9379241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazza1993/pseuds/Tazza1993
Summary: Aaron spends a large proportion of his days thinking about Robert Sugden. If only Robert knew it...OrThe one where Aaron realises Robert needs reassurance.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set around mid November 2016. Thought it would be interesting if Robert was the one who needed reassurance, as opposed to Aaron  
> Angst that evolves into fluff/smut in a big way.

It started with an argument. It was a row that Aaron knew had been brewing for days - the sort of argument that became commonplace when you were in a position where you found yourself juggling the emotional needs of your fiancé and a confused, long lost sister. A confused, long lost sister who you were now responsible for. Not to mention the additional stresses of a scrapping business, an overprotective mother and a best friend who had only recently lost his sister and his father clambering for his attention. Aaron was finding himself stretched too thinly, too often, nowadays.

  
It was Robert who he had neglected the most over the past few weeks - Aaron was all too aware of that. At first it was because Robert had moved aside with a shrug and a reassuring smile; letting him bond with his sister, letting him console Adam with banter and pints, letting him work late into the evening to catch up on the paperwork he'd allowed to fall by the wayside in the aftermath of the car crash and the proposal. They had the rest of the lives to spend together, after all. Then, it was because Aaron began to expect Robert to understand, because Robert always understood Aaron. Then, it was because Aaron didn't know what else to do, had no other option but to cancel his and Robert's quiet nights in really. And he could see Robert's smile getting tighter and tighter by the day and he could feel his kisses getting more desperate. They were usually goodbye kisses these days. Because despite his best efforts, Aaron always seemed to be saying goodbye to Robert over the past fortnight.

  
He couldn't let Liv think he didn't want to spend time with her.

  
He couldn't let Adam spend the evening alone while Victoria was away on her culinary course. Not when Holly and James were still so raw in his best friend's mind.

  
He couldn't deny his mum a few hours on their own. Not when she thought she might lose him forever just a few weeks ago. Again. He put his mum through so much, so regularly.

  
He couldn't neglect the scrapyard completely. Not when it was the pay check that would secure his and Robert's future.

  
Now, he could see he had pushed his fiancé too far. Robert stood in front of him in the back room of the Woolpack, his eyes emotional and his hands clenched in frustration. Aaron had mentioned taking Liv out for a bite to eat after school, while wolfing down his morning toast. Robert had asked him to be back by six, he had them cinema tickets. Aaron's moment of hesitation had told Robert everything.

  
"Is it too much to ask for one night, alone with you, Aaron?"

  
Aaron looked at the floor as he spoke. He could feel Robert's eyes on him, intense and irritated. "I promised her that we'd go and pick her out a new laptop on the way back. You can come with us, if you want."

  
"I haven't had one night alone with you for nine days!" Robert's voice was raised unusually loud. The sound of it made Aaron look up in surprise.

  
"I didn't realise you were counting," he mumbled. Defence was his natural state when challenged. It's something he knows he needs to work on. Right now, he could kick himself.

  
"Of course I'm counting!" Robert ran a hand through his hair. "You don't have any time for me, Aaron."

  
The start of his and Robert's relationship sprang to the forefront of Aaron's mind, unbidden. The era of sneaking into barns, snatched conversations and coded text messages. When Robert never seemed to have any time with him. When he had to fight for scraps of Robert's attention. He remembered, all too well, the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that plagued him. And now he was doing the same to Robert. The man who was willing to die alongside him, so he wouldn't be alone. The man who moved into the Woolpack with his mum, who'd hated him passionately not so long ago, to get more time with Aaron. His Robert.

  
"I have a sister, Rob," Aaron sighed. "She's missing her mum. I'm all she's got, right now."

  
"And what about yesterday and the day before that and the day before that!"

  
"You're not being fair," Aaron muttered. He tried not to look impatient, at this rate he was going to be late to meet a client at the scrapyard. He was impatient because Robert knew he'd almost always rather be curled up with him on the sofa. It just was not always possible. "I have responsibilities, Robert. I have a mother, and Liv, and a business, and a best mate who's going through hell right now."

  
"You also have a fiancé!" Robert's voice was sharp. But there was a vulnerability to his stance, the way his body hunched over perhaps, that made Aaron want to reassure him.

  
He slowly walked forward and placed a hand on Robert's forearm. "I know that," he simply said.

  
Aaron was surprised when Robert pulled his arm away. Robert rarely ever backed away from Aaron's touch. Even in the early days, when they were just as likely to shove each other against walls as kiss, Robert liked to be physically close to Aaron. Aaron was briefly shaken - words were not his forte. How could he calm Robert if he wouldn't allow him to touch him?

  
"Aaron, we're supposed to be getting married and you don't have any time for me," Robert said. "I put you first all the time and I don't even register on your list of priorities. You never even think about me or what I want! This isn't how it's meant to be."

  
Aaron was stung by his fiancé's words. They were horribly unfair and incredibly untrue. He couldn't help but lash out. "Because you'd know all about healthy marriages," he snapped, "You and Chrissie were living the dream."

  
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth but he couldn't take them back. It had always been that way with Robert. Neither of them could bite back words that would be much less harmful if left unsaid. They were supposed to be better than this now. But the stress of the last two weeks had taken its toll and now they were taking it out on each other.

  
"That's right, turn it back around on me!" Robert yelled. "Make me out to be the bad guy because god forbid you're in the wrong!" He stepped forward, staring out Aaron.

  
Aaron held his gaze. Blue vs green. Frustrated vs weary. Aaron vs Robert. Aaron wondered how this has escalated so quickly.

  
"You're being ridiculous," Aaron said.

  
"No, Aaron, you're being selfish," Robert retorted, breaking his gaze. He walked into the kitchen, turning his back on Aaron.

  
Aaron left for the scrapyard without another word, slamming the door behind him. That day, there was no goodbye kiss.

  
***

  
The scrapyard was desolate in the hours after lunch. Adam was away collecting scrap from a man in Newcastle. He wouldn't be back until well after four. It was cold in the porta cabin and Aaron was forced to stay bundled up in his winter's coat. He was supposed to take advantage of the silent, slow hours to work through his mountains of paperwork. In reality, he was brooding.

  
Aaron was used to arguing with Robert - he knew that more than likely there would never be a time when they didn't argue. They were both stubborn and overly defensive. God knows, they had said much more hurtful things to one another than they did today. But it was the first argument since they decided their relationship was forever. And there was an element of truth in what Robert said that didn't sit well with Aaron. He had been neglecting Robert as of late and, instead of owning up to that, he'd lashed out. He'd been hurt because most of what Robert had said was true so he'd tried to hurt him back. Successfully, it would seem, because Robert hadn't tried to text or call Aaron yet.

  
Since they'd found themselves thrown back together at the start of the year, Robert had always been the one to seek out Aaron after they fought. Robert was always the one who came back first. Robert forgave easier, apologised more graciously and explained himself more readily. Aaron realised he had almost started to take Robert's heartfelt apologies as a given after they argued. Once Aaron had asked Robert why he was so quick to apologise and Robert had told him that he couldn't bear Aaron being angry with him - that they'd endured enough week long silences and simmering spells of anger back when he'd still been married to Chrissie. Today, in the silent porta cabin, Aaron wondered if there was more to it than that. Perhaps Robert broke first because he was afraid that Aaron might choose to walk away if he didn't.

  
_I don't even register on your list of priorities. You never even think about me or what I want._

  
Robert was wrong, of course. Robert was never more than a hair's breadth from Aaron's mind. Thoughts of him had always invaded Aaron's brain at an alarming rate, since the moment he kissed him by the side of the road what seemed like a lifetime ago. Nowadays, they were too permanent a fixture to say that they invaded Aaron's mind. Robert had taken up residence in Aaron's head. And his heart too. He just didn't know how to show it, like Robert did.

  
Robert pulled Aaron out of sinking cars and brought him back to life. Robert confessed his feelings for Aaron in courtrooms and sought him out to give him comfort and support and hugs on bridges. Robert planned surprise proposals and declared his love for Aaron with alarming regularity and ease. Aaron didn't do anything but love him. Sure, there was Katie but Aaron tried not to think about that day and what he did if he can help it. And he stuffed Lachlan into his car boot with Robert's welfare in mind but, like Robert had said, that didn't turn out to be the best of gifts.

  
Surely Robert knew that Aaron can't find a way to not think about him? Robert knew almost everything about Aaron - he'd always had an uncanny way of reading him. How could he not know the single most defining thing about Aaron?  
Aaron was suddenly finding it difficult to breathe.

  
He walked across the Porta cabin and threw open the door. He lowered himself onto the steps to the cabin and rested his head in his hands. He hoped the fresh air would bring him some much needed perspective. The sky was grey. He could hear the pigs at Wishing Well grunting in the distance.

  
He sat and thought about the first few days after he was discharged from hospital last month. Robert had coddled him and smothered him with affection and they'd just enjoyed each other's company. They'd watched movies and played Xbox games. They'd sat close on the sofa and talked for hours. They'd eaten all their meals together and fallen asleep together at night. But reality had intruded all too soon and Aaron had other responsibilities.

  
He saw now that he had unintentionally hurt Robert and that things needed to change. He'd always have a sister, a mother, a best friend and a business that needed him but Robert obviously needed him more than he usually admitted. And Aaron needed Robert.

  
He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and fired off a text. He asked his mum to take Liv for food and laptop shopping tonight. He'd make it up to her later.

  
The next text was harder to compose. Apologies were Robert's forte. He deliberated for a few minutes before settling for short and concise.

  
_I'm coming home now. x_

  
It wasn't an apology, but it was a start.

  
***  
Aaron found Robert in their bedroom, sitting on their bed. His back was against the headboard and his laptop was on his knee. He looked so familiar to Aaron, in his grey cable knit jumper and dark blue jeans, that his heart ached.  
Robert looked up when Aaron entered the room and tried for a tentative smile. He pushed his laptop away from him and Aaron caught a glimpse of his home screen. It was a photo of him and Aaron, on their weekend in Wales. Aaron was smiling at the camera, Robert was smiling at Aaron, his face turned slightly. There was a river in the background, they had just finished kayaking. Aaron had taken to kayaking better than Robert and Robert had taken it badly. Aaron had managed to cheer him up with a few kisses, though.

  
"It was a good weekend," Aaron said, gesturing towards the photo.

  
"Yeah, it was," Robert agreed, his voice soft.

  
"We'll have to have more days like that." It was almost a promise.

  
Robert didn't say anything. Aaron wondered if he was thinking of all the cancelled plans and nights alone over the last few weeks. Aaron kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed, next to his fiancé. He laid a hand on Robert's thigh and this time Robert didn't push him away.

  
"I'm sorry for not making more time for you," Aaron said softly.

  
Robert turned his head, to look at Aaron. Aaron noticed that his hair was more unruly than normal. He wondered if he'd been running his hands through it in frustration, reliving their argument. It reminded him of lazy days in bed and Sunday morning sex. Robert covered Aaron's hand with his own and squeezed it briefly.

  
"I'm sorry for calling you selfish. You're the most selfless person I know." Robert's eyes were sad and serious.

  
"Well, I kind of pushed you to it, didn't I?" Aaron chuckled softly. He turned his head slightly and brushed his lips against Robert's cheek. He was relieved to feel Robert's body relax against him, their shoulders were touching too now. "I do want to spend time with you though, Robert. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's just difficult at the minute. Messed up forever, remember?" It wasn't often that Aaron was this sentimental but it felt like the right thing to say.

  
Robert smiled as he remembered uttering the words beside Aaron's hospital bed. He lay down on the bed and pulled Aaron down with him. They lay, face to face, looking at each other and remembering the promises they'd made to each other. Robert tangled his legs around Aaron's, drawing them closer to each other. He had never looked more vulnerable to Aaron, when he said "I know. I just miss you, Aaron."

  
They lost themselves in slow, soft kisses, Aaron's hands were tangled in Robert's hair.

  
When they finally broke apart, Aaron said "You were wrong, by the way. I think about you all of the time, Rob. Always have done."

  
"You do?" Robert whispered.

  
In that moment, Aaron's heart hurt. For the first time he realised that Robert might really not have known just how much Aaron thought about him. Before, they'd just been words that Robert had shouted in the heat of the moment. But now, they were genuine insecurities his fiancé harboured.

  
So the next day, he wrote his first note.

  
***

  
The morning after their row, Aaron slipped a small, folded piece of paper into the pocket of Robert's jacket. He assumed that Robert would find it when he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He couldn't help but feel slightly self conscious as he left for work - he wasn't one for soft gestures. But Aaron figured that if it made Robert smile, it would be worth every second of embarrassment.

  
The note simply read:

  
_Robert,_  
_I want to have your lips on mine, every second of every day. Scratch that, I want to have your lips everywhere, not just on my lips. Sometimes when I'm in the porta cabin, where I have so many memories of us meeting in secret to kiss and fuck, your lips are all I can think about. Pouty and soft and so fucking kissable._  
_I've had so many great kisses with those lips. I've had so many great blowjobs from those lips too..._  
_I'm sure I'll be thinking about them today, as I do everyday. And you say I never think about you..._  
_Love always,_  
_Aaron._

  
Robert didn't mention the note and Aaron was grateful that he didn't make a huge deal out of it. But the first thing Robert did that evening when Aaron flung himself down on the sofa beside his fiancé, was press their lips together with a grin.

  
***

  
_Rob,_  
_I like to think I know you better than anybody else. But you still constantly surprise me._  
_You might be one of the most caring, loving, thoughtful people I know. Other people just don't see that because you save it for the people you love the most. I want you to know that I see it, though._  
_I saw you help Liv make that spreadsheet for her homework last night. And I saw how patient you were with her even when she got snarky. You stayed with her until it was finished even though I know you wanted to watch that crime drama thing on television._  
_I see the way you go out of your way to make Vic laugh when she's stressing out in the kitchen over some recipe that's not going the way she wants it to._  
_I remember the way you never ever gave up on me when all that stuff with my dad was going on. I pushed you away time and time again but you never stopped coming back._  
_Yeah, you can be cocky and vain and insensitive sometimes but you're soft really. And I'm going to make sure I take care of you, right back._  
_Love ya,_  
_Aaron._

  
***

  
_Robert,_  
_Yesterday, I thought about your hands all day. Or more specifically, your fingers. And the things that those fingers did to me last weekend. The way they brushed against my spine as we kissed. The way they felt against my cock as you teased me. The way they wove into my hair, later, as you came._  
_Sometimes, I'll watch you drumming your fingers on the bar as you think, or typing on your laptop in the backroom, and I lose my train of thought._  
_They're amazing fingers._  
_I hope your meeting isn't too boring - hurry home._  
_Aaron_  
_x_

  
***

  
_Robert,_  
_Thanks for understanding that I'd had a shitty day yesterday, without me having to say a word. You know, how hard it is for me to say how I'm feeling sometimes. But, you get it, and you stop me from just shutting down._  
_Thanks for making me laugh, after I'd offloaded on you. You turned what could have been an awful night into a pretty solid one. You're my best mate, as well as everything else you are to me (don't be telling Adam I said that, though, or I'll deny all knowledge)._  
_By the way, you have the most infectious laugh. It's kind of extraordinary._  
_Thinking about you, like always._  
_Love, Aaron x_

  
***  
It was the third night of their honeymoon, when Robert brought the notes up for the first, and only, time. They were in the hotel bar, sipping their pints companionably. Aaron had just scorned Robert's suggestion of booking in for couples' massages the next morning.

  
"It's soft," Aaron protested, a smirk on his way. "You know, I don't go in for all that soppy stuff."

  
Robert rolled his eyes, but couldn't help letting out a short chuckle. "Aaron, it's our honeymoon," he reasoned. "Besides, you're pretty soft yourself, below the radar."

  
"What are you on about?" Aaron asked, scrunching up his nose.

  
Robert leaned forward and kissed the tip of Aaron's nose affectionately. He placed one of his hands over Aaron's, where it was resting on the table top. "Those notes you keep leaving for me," he said, his voice low.

  
Aaron blushed and looked down at the floor. He knew it was stupid to feel embarrassed - Robert was his husband now - but he couldn't help but feel vulnerable in that moment.

  
"They're daft, I know," he managed to mutter, still unable to meet Robert's eyes. He could feel them on him though.

  
Robert squeezed Aaron's hand reassuringly. "They're not daft, Aaron," he said. "They make my day."

  
Aaron looked up at Robert and whispered, "They do?"

  
Robert kissed his new husband on the lips, not caring that they were currently in a very public place. Aaron smiled, still a little red in the face, and Robert reached out and traced the outline of his lips with a finger.

  
"Oh, Aaron," Robert laughed. "Never stop being you."


End file.
